Balance

Went for a mountain bike ride yesterday. I am getting out more and more. I used to do this all the time and have really gotten spotty for a long time. I used to do it for myself to some degree, but joined with it was the desire to impress others with how much I could do or how cool it was. I had been thinking I was depressed for about six months, but I am starting to get feedback from friends that it really may have been going on for years. I have been adopting a spiritual path of Buddhist principles that emphasize… well, the briefest explanation is the “bumper sticker” philosophy… “I’m a human being, not a human doing” and Taoism that encourages flow and acceptance with natural order.

I spent the first 15 years of my adult life being pretty out of control. I have spent the last 15 years of my adult life trying to grow spiritually. The path I follow requires a balance in today’s society that I think I have ignored. I kept getting quieter and quieter. The truth, I have learned is deep inside. It is actually masked by most of the things inhabitants of western society use to tell them who they think they are… their jobs, cars, homes, vacations… even who they hang with. I came to adopt the philosophy that everything we do in society except care for one another selflessly… is a distraction (more of less harmless) that keeps us from knowing ourselves.

It was actually the experience of blogging that got me to revisit this notion. Actually, I was aware that something was amiss over the last year or so. I was starting to realize that I had gotten too quiet. It was getting to the point that I was basically denying my human experience. There was a middle ground that needed to be sought out. The blog helped me see it. I have had adventures and profoundly enlightening experiences in my life, but most of them are associated with an anonymous recovery program… that I can’t write about without violating at least one of its founding principles. It has been the focus of my life for over 16 years. This left me to ponder… what the hell can I write about in this blog. Is there anything to me other than the spirituality I have sought for a decade and a half that runs counter to most of what we hold dear, and even consider normal in Western society in my life.

I was slowly realizing that I needed to get back in touch with the activities I love, not as resume points, but because they really make me feel good. I’m kind of all over the place with this, but I think the point I’m trying to make is that I used to love to be in shape because it impressed people first and made me feel good second. The priority seems to have shifted. I am on my way to being 48 years old and plan to make my living as a stagehand, a pretty physical job. Being in shape helps make that possible. Riding and hiking like I have been increases my energy towards everything else and lifts my sense of psychological wellbeing. The hourglass is on its way out, and I don’t want to be a fat, lethargic, depressed old guy going, “What the hell just hit me? Oh, yeah… it was my life.”

So back to the ride…

I fueled up at the Peet’s in San Rafael before I headed off, and ran into this sweet little dog named Sunny. It’s owner who was attached to the boots was hot, but was wearing the dreaded wedding ring (all the good one’s ARE taken ~ just joking… kinda).



My bike…



So this is the interesting little guy.



He is always wearing this blazer and seems to have social (perhaps emotional/mental) difficulties. The only thing I am going to mention is that I was over a 1,000 feet above sea level right by the bay, miles from any trail head… and here he was. I see him walking in my neighborhood all the time and that is even more miles away. He just walks around all the time, and if you try to talk to him he is very unfriendly. I try to engage him every time I see him, but it’s pretty clear he isn’t comfortable, and I don’t want to antagonize him.

O.K. This is where I work…



Not kidding. The Marin Civic Center…



is a Frank Lloyd Wright designed landmark and was featured in the film “Gattica.”

Veteran’s Memorial Auditorium (the round building by the "lake") is where I have been doing a lot of work, and it looks like I’ll be working there through the summer. Many beauties about it, but not least is that I can ride the bike to work and then go on a ride through China Camp Park by the bay after work.



Thought it was a stick…




until it looked up at me. He was about 4 feet long, and was just sitting there sunning himself. I thought about shooing him off the trail for fear that another mountain biker coming down the hill might run over him, but I realized that he probably just come back out because he needed to store up the warmth for the upcoming coolness of night... so I just enjoyed him for a minute and left him there.

But officer… another mountain biker told me it was o.k. to ride mountain bikes on this trail…



Ohmygod… single-track. The deal with mountain biking out here is that almost all of it is on fire roads and not single track (narrower paths, usually reserved for hikers and equestrians). Back in Missouri, you wouldn’t think of riding on anything other than single-track. When I first moved out here, I hated riding on fire roads, but the mind-blowing beauty I was riding through quickly disabused me of that notion. After a while my sense of balance and agility was numbed by the width of the fire road, and I found myself intimidated by single track which had been standard operating procedure back home(? ~ been out here 10 years now). So off I embarked on the first single track I had encountered in about a decade.



What a rush... and kind of a metaphor for what is happening in my life. I am surprised to find that I am getting my groove back and letting it rest comfortably on all the growth that has happened.